Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
