If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
