Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
