I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
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