OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
