So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
