I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
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