All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
