I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
