I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Randomize
