He disabled his match.com account in front of me
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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