Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
