u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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