So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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