Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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