Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
My bed smells like the plague
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
