I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
