Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
