Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
