I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Randomize
