make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
