I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Randomize
