note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
