well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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