Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
