i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
