I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
