i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
