yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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