I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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