I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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