Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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