I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
