my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
