so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
