I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
