Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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