She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
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