i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
