I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
