i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Randomize
