i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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