singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
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