somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
