Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
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