so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
she smelled like a LAN party
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
