Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
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