Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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