I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
