I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
