I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
